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Funny Quotes



A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it's a waste of a deposit slip and it really pisses off the tellers.
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Is sex dirty? Only if done correctly.
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Marriage is like being hung, right after tying the knot they whip the ground out from under you and your life is over.
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History doesn't repeat itself historians repeat each other.
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Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
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Patience is something admired in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead of you.
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If you can't say something nice about someone you're probably not alone.
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Just when you think you're alone the phone rings.
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If you're losing the game change the rules, if you can't change the rules, ignore them.
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A fool and his money are soon... Hey! Where's my wallet?
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The squeaky wheel gets the oil.
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I may be schizophrenic, but at least I'll always have each other.
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If you want something said ask a man, if you want something done ask a woman.
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Women need 4 animals in their life...
1- A Mink on her back
2- A Jaguar in her garage
3- A Tiger in her bed
4- And a JACKASS ta pay for it all...

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Excercise is bunk. If you're sick you shouldn't take it and if you're healthy you don't need it.
--Henry Ford
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? I'm not opinionated. I'm just always right.
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Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain
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An athestic, dyslexic, insomniac is a guy who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a DOG!
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Nixon discussing Kissinger with then VP Nelson Rockefeller:
Nixon: "I'm proud to have appointed Henry Kissinger as Secretary of State. He's certainly the most intelligent man in history to ever hold the office.
Rockefeller: " Yes. But no man in history has ever been as intelligent as Henry thinks he is."
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Women, you can't live with 'em...pass the beer nuts. --Norm Peterson
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The more people I meet each day the more I like my dog.
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Patience: the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears!
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If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes....
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If history repeats itself why is there never any reruns of the six o'clock news.
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Mixed emotions: When your mother-in-law drives your new car over the cliff.
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Famous Playwright sent Churchill two tickets to opening night saying, "Bring a friend,... if you have one."
Churchill sent regrets saying, "Can't make opening night, I can come the 2nd night,...if there is one."
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God may have created man, but samuel colt made 'em equal --Robert Calmes
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BE GOOD AND YOU WILL BE LONELY...MARK TWAIN
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Never buy a pitbull from a one armed man.
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Why shouldn't you have sex with your wife first thing in the morning? Because you've got all day to find something better!
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The reason some people are alive is simply because it's against the law to kill them.
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Bumper sticker I saw:
HORN DOESEN"T WORK
watch for finger........

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Sex is NOT the answer.....Sex is the question. YES is the answer!!!
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Lady Astor: If I were your wife I'd poison your tea.
Winston Churchill: If I were your husband i'd drink it.
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YOU CAN'T GET AHEAD WHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET EVEN!
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Never trust a proctologist with both hands on your shoulders.
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For every action, there is an equal but opposite Government program.
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Be careful the toes you step on today maybe be attached to the ass you kiss tomorrow.

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